Bailout Plan

I've been putting off writing this post for a couple of weeks now. This coming Saturday is the Bentonville Half Marathon...and I'm not running it. My training was going great for about 5 weeks, and then I got sick. I stayed sick for two solid weeks, and I just didn't have the energy for any workouts. But you know how we runners are -- compulsive to check the boxes on our training plans -- so I still ran my long runs on the weekends as scheduled. No exercise at all during the week, then 7 miles. No exercise for another week, then 8 miles. Was this a good idea? NO.

It didn't take long until my still-sensitive hip was screaming at me, and I knew I had done too much. I haven't re-injured myself, but if I had continued on that path of not being smart about building up my mileage, I could tell injury would be imminent. So I backed off.

Can you spot where my training fell off a cliff? Um, yeah.

I went back to running shorter miles and tried to build up again gradually, but there just isn't enough time before the race to build up as gradually as what my body needs. Having an old lady hip is the pits. So no half marathon for this gal.

But I have a bailout plan! The nice race people let me trade my 13.1 registration for the 3.1 registration! So I can still participate, and it's only one number different. It's practically the same. OK, maybe not, but at least I won't have another race shirt that I shouldn't wear.

Since I decided not to run the half, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted. Now that I'm not following a plan, I can run mileage as short as I want, which means Trea can run with me again! He stopped training way back in February, and when I continued on, I was running too long for him to be able to go, the few times that he actually had time and wanted to go. So last week, we ran twice together -- 1.5 miles each time. It didn't take long, but it was so nice to run together again. So we're both building up gradually, with no real race plans as of yet, but we'll get there. Until then, I'm running for fun, so glad to be able to run the 5K this weekend, and I'll be wearing my new favorite shirt. Because if you're not running happy, then what's the point?

Who's got two thumbs and healthy bones? This gal!

I'm just a hypochondriac.

Seriously, that was my ortho doc's official diagnosis. He said my MRI looked fantastic, no sign of a fracture, and the radiologist who compared it to my February MRI said it looks like my bones have calcified more. Yes, Viactiv and vitamin D3 (and 7-8 months of solid rest) are the winning combination! I should be at 100% now.

So why does my hip hurt? Maybe it's a result of stretching and working things that haven't been worked in a while. It definitely feels better since I haven't run in 10 days. But it's still achey and creaky and sore and stiff. The doctor suggested that I find an activity that doesn't hurt. Uh, thanks.

I think I'm going to continue my couch to 5K plan because you pretty much can't get any easier than that when it comes to running. But I'm going to try to make myself be OK with taking unplanned rest days instead of sticking to a training plan religiously. Maybe I need more than a day or two to recover from a run. Maybe I should be doing more swimming and elliptical training to give my joints a break. {No pun intended, of course.}

I've decided that next week, I'm going to get a personal trainer who can show me some strength training exercises and stretches that I can do. I've thought about this for a while and never done it because I'm always too busy, too scared of the gym, or whatever, but it's well past time to get serious about strength training. I have asked my doc about physical therapy, and he doesn't think it's necessary. But my right leg atrophied surprisingly fast while I was on crutches, and it's not back to normal. My calves are different sizes, which is painfully obvious when I wear capri pants. {My pants get hitched up on my healthy runners calf, but slide easily over my puny right calf, so my pant legs always look different lengths!}

So I need to rehab my weak leg, but I also need to build strength all over, just to make me a better runner and to prevent injury from happening again. Maybe by the time it's tank top season again (and hopefully that won't be next week), I'll have biceps!

What do you do to stay strong and prevent injury? 

That Old Familiar (Injured) Feeling

My hip hurts. Again.

My couch to 5K plan went great for a few weeks, but lately, I've had pain in my hip, and not the getting-back-in-shape, good-for-you kind of pain. It feels like it did back in the winter before I found out I had a stress fracture.

I'll be the first to admit that I was totally paranoid about every little twinge after I stopped using my crutches, but after several months of taking it {probably a bit too} easy, I was feeling like my old self. The pain was gone, and all that was left was some muscle weakness that I'm still working through. Running was fantastic, and I felt pretty confident that I was OK. So about two weeks ago, I started focusing more on strength training and stretching because my right leg is still so much weaker than my left, and both my legs are insanely tight from sitting around all year. I've done lunges with no problem for the last couple of months, but after spending a few minutes in warrior II pose, my hip started aching all the time and even waking me up at night. I wouldn't think one yoga workout would cause damage, but something definitely changed, and I'm worried I've reinjured myself. I blame Jillian's Yoga Meltdown.

I've backed off my running regimen, which was already super easy, and am just biking and elliptical-ing. I saw my ortho doc last week, and he did new x-rays and ordered an MRI and a new bone density test to see if I'm making any progress with my old lady osteopenia. My x-rays were beautiful and he said my hip looked strong and there was no indication of a fracture. Yay! But it still hurts.

So I spent the afternoon here, napping in an MRI tube.

This one didn't require an arthrogram, thank goodness, so I was able to snooze right through all the clanging around. I go back to my doc on Thursday, and we'll find out the results. Until then, I'm just a big ball of stress and grumpiness. Maybe I'll have to stop running, which makes me feel fat and left out of all that is fun in the world. Maybe I'll end up on crutches again, which might make Trea want to move to a hotel. Regardless, it looks like my Turkey Trot dreams might be shattered since I'm already falling behind on my training plan.

My hope is that the tests will be normal and I can get back into my pretty pink Brooks by the weekend. But my achey hip is doubtful.

And for your Music Monday listening pleasure, I've had Benjamin Gibbard's new album, Former Lives, on repeat since it came out Tuesday. It's not running music, but it matches my mellow mood. And it's Ben Gibbard, who can record no wrong and is simply amazing. "Lily" is my favorite.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

I ran. 

After 204 looong, sad days, I ran this week. 

My last real run was New Year's weekend. I missed half of winter, all of spring and a good part of this hot summer. And not only did I not run at all in over six months, because of my very stubborn hip stress fracture, I haven't done much of anything -- until very recently. 

My hip has been feeling pretty normal-ish lately, so Sunday morning I wanted to test it out. I got up at dawn, just like real runners do, and made my way to the track. I needed a very level surface with no hills, sneaky sidewalk cracks or curbs to hop on to. I was SO nervous. 

Trea and I walked a couple of laps, and then I decided to run one. I have been waiting for this moment ALL YEAR. Now, I'm not delusional; I know 6 months of sitting around has turned me into a couch potato and my legs have no recollection of running a marathon. I didn't expect the heavens to open with angels singing. But I did expect to feel...that runner feeling. You know what I'm talking about. Is it freedom? Peace? But I just felt paranoid about my hip. And chubby. And weak. And exhausted almost immediately. 

I huffed and puffed around that track, and I was SO ready to get back to the starting line so I could stop and BREATHE. I felt like I had Frankenstein feet that weighed 50 pounds each, and my glorious return to running was a labored, stiff-legged shuffle. I was so focused on my stupid lungs and my stupid burning calves that it took me a second to realize...my hip didn't hurt! AT ALL! 

I walked a lap to catch my breath and make sure my hip was OK, and then I ran another lap. This one felt a little stronger, but it still felt like starting over. It was hard. After an entire half mile, I was spent.  But the important thing is that I RAN. Yes, I'm starting over, but I'm so happy to be able to run, even if it's just a little bit. 

Later that day I started having some serious hip pain that scared the daylights out of me. But I'm pretty sure it was a result of doing lots of housework when I got home and not sitting down for 5 hours after running for the first time in forever. I overdid it. As usual. So I stayed off my feet for the rest of the day, and the next morning I was as good as new. But that taught me a quick lesson that I'm not at 100% yet. I have to take this slowly and be very careful not to re-injure myself. So I've devised a plan. 

For a while, at least until I get my strength back, I'm going to only run and walk just a little bit at the track once a week. Then on other days, I'll swim, bike and elliptical so I keep things low impact on the old lady bones. I've also started some light strength training at home now that I can do lunges and squats without feeling like my hip is going to snap. I'm paying very close attention to glute strength and those pesky hip adductors/abductors or whatever they're called. I'm doing everything I can to create new habits and mix things up instead of only focusing on running. 

But tomorrow is a run day, and I can't wait to get back out there! I dug my Garmin out of storage, dusted off my iPod and am impatiently waiting for 6 a.m. It's so good to be back!  

Easy does it

I'm well on my way to running again...but I'm still not quite there yet. Instead, I've been doing a little of everything else to build my strength back up. And gradually -- very gradually -- I'm getting better.

I flail about in the pool in my fancy new swim cap from That Pink Girl.

I elliptical {or whatever the verb is}, which has been surprisingly fun. That's how desperate I am to run. Anything that remotely resembles running will do just fine. Although I've also been surprised at how weak my right leg is. My first day on the elliptical, my right quad, glute and calf were BURNING in just a couple of minutes. I've lost so much strength, but I'm slowly working to get it back.

I've been biking on actual trails, not just on my deck, and it's been WONDERFUL to see my running routes again. 6 months was too long to stay away. Following those paths through my favorite little town in the world is like seeing an old friend.

Best of all, I've been kayaking! It's wicked hot, even on the water, but it's fantastic exercise and so peaceful. It is most definitely one of my favorite things about summer.

Becoming active again is tough. I hurt all over, and I'm exhausted, but I'm so ready to get back in shape, feel good about myself again and have the strength to do the things I enjoy. I'm in no hurry to jump back into running because I'm trying to be kind to my bones and make sure I'm not out for another 6 months. So I'm taking it easy, starting slow and mixing up my routine so I don't put too much stress on one muscle group. But a teensy part of me hopes the next time you hear from me, I will have put a mile or two on my running shoes!

Made my Monday

A fellow blogger, That Pink Girl, used to write weekly posts called "Made my Monday" and she would focus on something positive that had happened that day. I admire folks who can look on the bright side, especially on Mondays. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people, so this isn't going to turn into a series.

But today was pretty good! Not only did I have the day off and get to sleep in, but I also had my first real workout in 3 months! A stress fracture was to blame for my not exercising for 6 weeks, but the rest of the time...I probably should have been doing something.

After my meltdown the other day, I realized that I'm not going to feel better until I get out and do something, no matter what that something has to be. I can't run, so I have to suck it up and deal with it and find an alternative. I cannot continue to sit on my couch in front of the TV eating pizza. That's how this whole thing started in the first place. So today, I took my bike and went outside to ride in the sunshine.

I didn't get very far. But riding on a trainer out on the deck is better than riding a bike at the gym and definitely better than doing nothing. I might try a real ride at some point, but I wanted to use the trainer first to make sure my hip didn't hurt. Also, I'm not supposed to use much resistance, and here in the Ozarks, it's going to be tough to find a place to bike without any hills.

It's been so long since I've put on workout clothes that it took me quite a while just to locate a sports bra and running top. It was so good to dust off my old Nike running visor! I even got to try out my new Texas socks from TPG.

Normally, I would consider this blasphemy, but I just finished Friday Night Lights. Texas Forever.

I spent 30 minutes spinning in the sun, listening to my old running playlist, which I haven't turned on since December. My hip didn't hurt, and it felt great to finally DO something. But I can tell I've been too lazy and I have a long way to go. I'm sore in places that shouldn't be sore after an easy bike ride. But it's good to hurt. It's good to have stupid tan lines. It's good to be starting over. It stinks that I have to, but it's good that I CAN.

It made my Monday!

Am I still a runner?

It's been 5 months -- FIVE -- since I've been able to run. It's been 3 months since I was diagnosed with a stress fracture. And according to the doctor and new x-rays this week, I'm still fractured.

Not only was I a slow runner, but I'm also a slow healer.

I thought I had put in the time, been careful, hobbled around on crutches for over a month, followed all the rules. But I'm still not better. Even the doc was a bit perplexed. I had already taken nearly 2 months off when I finally figured out what was going on. Then after another full 6 weeks on crutches and 6 more weeks of taking it easy, we both thought I'd be fine. I'm assuming osteopenia is to blame. As if stress fractures aren't bad enough, I get saddled with wimpy old lady bones.

So basically looking at my x-rays was like the worst Groundhog Day ever. 6 more weeks of nothing. At least. If I'm not better in another 12, we'll do another MRI. If I'm not better in another 12, I'm going to lose my mind.

I'm cleared to use the elliptical (no resistance, no incline) and an exercise bike (very little resistance) and I can swim. That would be great except all of those things really suck. I'm a terrible swimmer and I just plain don't like it. It was fine when I thought this was temporary and it was a means to an end, but there's no end in sight, so why bother? I've long given up trying to maintain my fitness so it would be easier for me to pick up with running when I'm allowed to. And I have the uncomfortable pants to prove it.

I'm sure I should be more like Red, who spent 9 months of last year elliptical-ing her heart out while her stress fracture healed. But I'm not. I'm down. Way down. I started running because I wanted something that let me get in shape while setting goals and not going to the gym. Just me, my shoes and the road, whenever I felt like it. I DESPISE the gym. I've tried so many times to like it, but it's just awful there. And I have a decent gym. It's the waiting in line for a machine after work, the stinky smells, the weirdos pumping iron, and the crap on 20 TVs with nary a window in sight.

I want to be outside.

And it's getting hot, so I want to be outside on the trails under the trees. With my friends. I miss my town. I missed running under the redbud trees on Central Ave. this spring. I feel like I can't even call myself a runner anymore. I got to enjoy that dumb 26.2 bumper sticker for less than a month before everything fell apart. It's still on my car, and I hate it. I was so excited to get it, and I hate looking at it. Every.single.time I approach my car, I remember and I get sad. But if I take it off...is that the end? Admitting that I'm not a runner anymore?

Maybe one day I'll be a runner again, but not any time soon. Sorry for the down-in-the-dumps post, y'all, but I'm just sad these days, and there's not a happy way to spin it right now.

My own two feet

This weekend, I got the best birthday gift ever -- my first full day with no crutches! 

For about 10 days, I've been using one crutch, gradually testing my hip to see if there was any pain. It also took a surprisingly long time to build strength back up in my right leg so I could walk without the crutch. When I took my first step, my leg buckled like Bambi. (Though I'm sure my hobbling about has more closely resembled The Hunchback.) 

I'm told I don't need physical therapy and that my muscles will quickly remember what to do. I can tell my leg is getting stronger every day, even though it's still extremely weak and looks puny in comparison to my monster left leg that's been picking up the slack for the last 6 weeks. 

I still have to be careful not to walk too much or stay on my feet too long. I'm definitely feeling the effects from walking a little too much at work today and have a slightly achey leg and hip. Trea and I are going on vacation soon, and the doc told me to take my crutches and even use a wheelchair or rent a bike for long excursions. But as long as I can walk around on my own at least part of the time while we're away, I'll be thrilled. Yay for being able to stand on my own two feet! 

The Happiest Post Since December

I'm doing a happy dance -- with one crutch! I've spent 4 weeks on crutches, and today I saw my doctor again. I can gradually start putting weight down on my leg using one crutch, and after a week, if I'm not having any pain, then I can toss the crutches! Woo hoo!

I'm still at least another 8 weeks away from being able to run, but if I can walk around my house and office normally, I almost don't care! This post has so many exclamation points!!

For the next week, I'm going to gradually ease back into using my right leg. I've been so paranoid about making things worse and having to stay on crutches forever that I haven't done ANYTHING in over a month. Seriously, not one thing. I'm becoming squishy and I'm thrilled at the prospect of being able to exercise again. My right leg is very, very weak though, so keeping a crutch for a bit is a must, regardless of how my hip feels.

When the crutches are totally gone, I can start swimming again (hurray!!). I'm a terrible swimmer and I don't really even know how to do anything but the breaststroke -- which I'm not allowed to do -- but thank goodness I'm sexy in goggles. It's better than nothing, so I'll figure it out.

If swimming goes well, then I can start using an exercise bike with low resistance. In 8 weeks, I go back to the doc for new scans and we'll see what we see. If there's bone growth, then he said we can add some "light jogging" (whatever that means, probably all I've ever done anyway) on a treadmill. But we had a serious talk about my osteopenia complication, and in the long-term, long distances aren't going to be my friend. At least not until my bone density gets back into a healthy range. My doctor didn't say I could never run a marathon again, but it won't be in the near future. 

And when I do train for another long race, he recommended not doing more than one a year, and not doing a full marathon every year. After 6 months of training and exhaustion leading up to the Memphis Marathon, I have absolutely no problem with this. If I can do 5 and 10K's, maybe a half marathon here and there, I'll be thrilled. 

My only goal at this point is to be healthy, active and fit. And now -- with my one crutch -- I'm making progress and heading in the right direction!

Osteo-what?

I have the worst luck. 

In case you hadn't already guessed. Murphy's Law is in full force lately, and nothing I do seems to turn out right.

Last week, I went to the doctor for a bone density test, just to make sure there isn't a larger underlying issue that caused my stress fracture. Turns out, I have osteopenia. Not osteoporosis, but osteopenia. It's what you get right before you get osteoporosis, and it means my bones are a lot weaker than they should be. And in case you've forgotten, it's important to note that I'm 30 -- a good bit too young to have to know these words. 

My bone density level is well below normal for my age, and if gone untreated, I'm on track to have osteoporosis by the time I'm 60, if not sooner. Lots of things can cause this, but lack of calcium is the main issue. (I'm about to get all science-y here.) The doctor checked my vitamin D level -- since your body has to have sufficient vitamin D to absorb calcium -- and found out it's way too low. If you're not getting enough vitamin D, it almost doesn't matter how much calcium you're getting because your body can't use it. So now the plan is to load up on vitamin D3 -- 10,000 IUs a day! -- plus Viactiv, plus a healthy diet rich with calcium. We'll check my vitamin D level again in June and see if things have improved. As for my bone density, it can get better and I may be able to postpone or avoid osteoporosis later in life, but it will take a while to be able to see progress. 

What does this mean for running? 

I'm going to have to be extra careful. After my stress fracture heals, my right leg is going to be quite a bit weaker than my left leg because I'm not using it. But that goes for the bones too, not just muscle. Weight-bearing bones, like feet, legs and hips usually have a healthier density level than upper body bones because they have to work harder, so they're stronger. But now that I'm taking weight off my right leg, I'm probably losing a smidge of bone density on that side because it's totally taking a break. (NO PUN INTENDED.) That means when I start running again, I'll be even more likely to get injured again, at least until I build my strength back up. 

I'm dying to shop for a race. I'm aching to set a goal. I want to know what month -- what YEAR -- I'll be able to train for a marathon again. But I can't set any goals because I'm just not sure. I'm trying to be optimistic based on the experience of others, but in the end, I have to be realistic about me and what I'm capable of. Beth at Shut Up + Run has been fantastic to lend advice and provide encouragement because she had this same stress fracture and osteopenia, and she bounced back and ran Boston just six months later. But Beth was fit enough to QUALIFY for Boston. She's a triathlete. She's Wonder Woman. I'm a back-of-the-pack finisher who's still new-ish to running and not super fit and strong. That's not low self-esteem talking; that's just how it is. 

So for now, I'm doing a whole lot of nothing. No pool work, no recumbent bike. I'm just trying to survive the trek to my desk every day and not smack anyone with my crutches. But when I'm cleared to walk and run again -- and who knows how many more weeks or months that will be -- it's going to be slow going, focused literally on taking one step at a time. 

Exercise is dangerous for your health

Some moron actually said those words to me today, right after he asked me why I was on crutches. I laughed, thinking surely he was being sarcastic. But nope. Dead serious.

Lately, every conversation goes something like this:

"Oh no, you're on crutches? What happened?"
"I have a stress fracture in my hip. It's an overuse injury from running really long miles."
"So you got this from running that marathon? Wow. I told you all that running was crazy."

But it isn't crazy! So stop saying that. People run marathons all the time and don't get injured. People run ultras and come out unscathed. As soon as I ditch my crutches, I'm starting a couch to 5K plan, just like I did in the beginning.

This injury doesn't mean I should stop running; it means I should train smarter. Because, see...the thing is, I should have seen this coming. And when people ask me how I got a stress fracture, I feel like a giant idiot every time I explain it.

Here are the facts:

1. The first rule of running is that you shouldn't JUST run. You should cross train and strength train to make sure your muscles are strong enough to withstand the impact of running 26.2 miles.

But all I did was run.

2. I knew rule No.1 so I tried following a marathon training plan that incorporated cross training with running - Run Less, Run Faster - but I couldn't do it all. I couldn't keep up with the prescribed paces for each run, and I got sick every time I tried to do all the workouts. It was too intense for my fitness level, so I dropped the cross training and just tried to get in the miles I was supposed to run.

I wasn't ready, and I should have backed off. I had set a goal of running a marathon, signed up for the race, booked a hotel, and shouted from the rooftops that I was doing this thing. Even though every time I ramped up my mileage, I got sick. Even though I couldn't keep up with my training group and should have run my own pace. I just kept going.

3. Proper nutrition, getting enough protein, taking multivitamins and taking calcium supplements are all things I knew I should have been doing.

But I ate garbage and never bothered with vitamins or supplements. Would this have made a difference? There's no way to know, but it couldn't have hurt.

4. I've had problems with my right hip for a long time. Remember when that crazy chiropractor hurt my knee? The reason I went to him was because I was having hip problems - in December 2010! The same hip problems that finally got so bad that I stopped running two months ago.

I should've seen a real doctor. A really long time ago. I don't know if it's medically possible to run on a stress fracture for a year, but I have to wonder just how long I've had this problem and didn't know it. My hip always hurt after a run, but never enough that it prevented me from doing anything...until this year.

So...I knew all the things I should have been doing to try to stay healthy. But all I did was run.

I know all this regret doesn't make any difference now, but when you go from marathon training to not even being able to walk, it's impossible not to question every single decision you've made about training. Hindsight is always 20/20, and there's no way I would have ever dreamed I'd end up with a stress fracture. But here I am.

I've learned a valuable lesson to listen to my body, no matter what everyone else is doing and no matter whether I've registered for a race. I have to do what's right for me. And I know that no matter how much I hate these crutches and I'm mad about what has happened, running is still what's right for me. Just running smarter.

The Worst News Ever

Today, my doctor said the words every runner prays they'll never hear.

I have a stress fracture.

He followed that up by telling me I have to use crutches for at least 4 weeks. I am now completely useless around the house and I have no idea how I'm going to manage the monstrous campus of parking lots and buildings where I work.

The doc also said I should focus on the short-term and recovery, and pursue running goals "later in life." What is that supposed to mean? He said fractures like this typically heal in 6-12 weeks, but everyone's experience is different. 

I saw my MRI and he showed me the tiny hairline going across the top of my femur where it enters the hip socket. He didn't give it a name, but the Google tells me it's a compression stress fracture of the hip, which is the least complicated of stress fractures that occur in this area, and usually doesn't require surgery like some fractures could.

My MRI looked like the top image in this group. But not all red and nasty like that.
It was a tiny white line that you can barely see. 

I'm upset and freaking out, but I have been having hip problems for a while now, so I have barely run in 2 months. Sadly, I'm almost a little bit used to not running. My biggest problem is that I can hardly do anything, especially now that we know what the problem is. The doctor says I can use the recumbent bike on the lowest setting with no resistance, and not to pedal quickly enough to break a sweat. (Then what's the point?) He also said I can swim, but I can't kick. Um, what? So basically that leaves me doing nothing for AT LEAST 4 weeks. After that, we'll do another MRI, but not another arthrogram, thank God, and see if it's getting any better. 

Until then, I just wait. 

Thanks so much to all of you who have called, texted, tweeted and commented. Your words of encouragement mean more than you know. I'm trying not to throw myself too many pity parties because I know things could be much worse, and in the grand scheme of things, this isn't that serious. It's not like I was training for Boston or anything. I'm trying to keep a healthy perspective, but thanks for indulging me and letting me be sad for a while. This just sucks, and it's going to get harder before it gets easier. 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Last week started with a romantic gesture and hopeful optimism about my hip injury, but it ended with a hospital and excruciating pain.

Let's start with the good part, shall we?

In my last post, I whined about not being able to figure out what's going on with my hip until March, but then I got great news! The hospital called and said I could get in on Feb. 15 for my hip arthrogram and MRI -- two weeks earlier than scheduled! At that moment, I should've Googled "hip arthrogram." But I didn't. (This is called foreshadowing, y'all.) I was so excited to finally be on my way to finding out what it's going to take for me to run again.

Meanwhile, I was busy plotting a sweet surprise for Trea's Valentine's Day present. He loves to cook and bake, and he's always complaining that we don't have a KitchenAid stand mixer. I always say we don't have enough counter space, they're too expensive, stirring is a good workout, etc. Just so I could surprise him with a shiny red mixer for Valentine's Day! I had big plans to wake up early, put a pretty bow on it and leave it on the counter for him to see first thing that morning.

And when I came home from work Monday to finalize my plans -- the day before Valentine's Day -- I was greeted by this:

He got me a piano?! What the WHAT? Needless to say, I'm in love, both with Trea and the piano. It's gorgeous. It's a spinet grand, which I've never even seen before, and it's a shiny black finish that's perfect for our house. Not only does he know me better than anyone, but he can also decorate better than most girls. I've played the piano since I was 4 years old, but I haven't played regularly since college. I've forgotten a lot, and I'm having to relearn everything I once knew, but it's been so nice to play again, especially since I can't do much else.

On the actual day of Valentine's Day, I surprised Trea that morning...

...just as planned, but my splurge wasn't exactly a splurge in comparison to my perfect gift. The piano, without a doubt the sweetest, most thoughtful gift I've ever received. I am beyond lucky.

And after all this fabulousness, it was time for my hip arthrogram. When I saw my new doctor a couple of weeks ago, he did tell me that I needed to have a dye injection before my MRI. He said it as though he was breaking bad news. I should've followed my instinct and asked more questions based on his tone, but I didn't. He said, "You're gonna want to go home afterward and rest." OK. Cool. Sign me up. I just have to get a shot? No problem. But then when the hospital called to move up my appointment, they "reminded" me to eat a light breakfast and bring a driver. "Why? Is the dye going to make me feel bad or something?" Response: "Um, let me check." After holding for 5 minutes, I'm told that the dye sometimes makes people feel queasy. OK, well, whatever. I just want to find out what's wrong. If I have to get a big shot, I'll just have to be a big girl.

WRONG.

When I arrived at the hospital and had to wear a hospital ID bracelet, like a real patient, I started getting a teensy bit nervous.

I was taken back to a room that looked like a cluttered operating room. I had to lie down on a table with an x-ray thing above me. They positioned the x-ray thing over my hip, and I could see the picture on a panel next to me. This was to help them guide the needles. Needles, plural. A team of three people hovered over me and started giving me injections of a local anesthetic. OW. This was painful, but was kind of like a bad trip to the dentist. I'm still OK.

Then they brought out the big guns. This entire time, I either had my eyes closed or trained on the ceiling directly over my head. No looking at the x-ray panel; no looking down at the parade of syringes. So I don't think I was freaking out over the idea of what was happening, but the pain of the dye injection was more than I ever prepared for. There was no warning of, "You might feel a pinch here" or anything like that. Just BAM, massive needle entering at around my bikini line all the way into my hip socket, then filling with fluid and pressure. Stabbing pain and pressure. I started getting really hot and I felt sick -- not from the dye itself, I don't think, but from the level of pain. I still had on my street clothes and was wearing a hoodie sweatshirt. It seemed like the ginormous injection went on forever, and by the time they were done, my hair was dripping wet with sweat.

After it was over, I lay there for a minute or two catching my breath, then they were like, "Great job, now hop down off this table and walk to the MRI room." I'm sorry. You want me to WHAT? You mean we're not doing the MRI in here? Can I get a gurney?! They assured me I'd feel better if I started moving. So I got down off the table and made it about three steps before I started to black out. I've never fainted before, but I'm pretty sure I know how it happens now. My hip hurt SO incredibly bad. I was trying to get my bearings, but then everything started going dark and I thought I was going to be sick. That, my friends, will score you a wheelchair. Finally. I spent another 15 minutes back on the table, sans jacket, while two people fanned me and waited for the color to return to my face.

The MRI was cake. Like a big noisy tanning bed. No big deal. But my hip was feeling worse and worse. I could tell things in that neighborhood were numb from the anesthetic, but it still hurt. By the time I got to the car, I was dying. When we got home, I parked myself on the couch and tried to get comfortable, but nothing was comfortable. Within an hour, it felt like the locals were starting to wear off, and all I could do was cry. No matter what I did, my hip and entire right leg ached so bad I could hardly stand it. When the locals completely wore off, I had pain shooting down from my inner and outer hip area to my knee and ankle. But I remembered they said I'd be better off if I kept moving because the dye needed to get out of the joint so it could be absorbed by soft tissue. So every hour or two, I'd get up and shuffle slowly down the hall, crying all the way. The house was littered with used kleenex, and the dog was a nervous wreck.

We all had a rough day.

I learned that when I cry, Bella cries, which does nothing whatsoever to help my mood. Luckily, that only lasted for about 10 hours or so. After that, I stuck to groans and whimpers, which didn't seem to bother her as much.

That was Wednesday, and I couldn't walk normally again until Saturday. I missed work again on Thursday because I was in too much pain to walk from the parking lot and sit all day at a desk, but I made it OK for most of the day Friday.

I never expected a test to be so painful -- it was a thousand times more painful than the actual injury we're looking for. But maybe this will get us some answers. I go back for the results this Thursday, and then hopefully we'll know if there's a labral tear or something else. Wish me luck!

See Anna Mope

This little blog started as See Anna Run, but if I had been posting regularly the last few weeks, it would be more like See Anna Mope. I'm still injured, with no end in sight.

I'm not going to the Little Rock Marathon. 

I still can't run. My hip is better than it was in early January when I stopped running, but running is still painful. I took a solid 4 weeks off -- thinking that lots of rest, stretching and massage would do the trick. But nope. I tried running last weekend, and it was awful. All 1.75 miles of it. It hurt from the first step, but by the time I got back to my car, I was miserable and limping. I could barely walk the next day. So I decided to see another doctor -- someone who specializes in sports injuries and hips and who isn't a chiropractor or a massage therapist.

It took a while to get an appointment, so I just saw the doctor this morning. They took x-rays, which were normal and showed nothing. So he recommended an MRI. But because of where the pain is and because of how long it's been going on (years, but with a recent debilitating flare-up), I have to get a special MRI where they will inject dye into my hip joint. He said it's possible that the cartilage in the socket of my hip could be torn, and that wouldn't show up on a regular MRI. But he has no idea whether that's actually the issue or not. No way to know until I get the scan. Hopefully this will tell us whether anything is torn, or if things are just inflamed. And the kicker?

I can't get an appointment for my radioactive MRI until February 27! Three weeks from now! (It's done at a local hospital, not the clinic I went to, so there's nothing they can do to speed things up.) And I won't find out the results until March 1 when I meet with the doctor again. So the only diagnosis I received today is that I get to spend another month not running. Also not biking. Also no exercise that puts any impact on my hip -- which is basically ALL of it. He says I can swim, but I don't really know how. I've been trying to learn, and the only thing I know so far is the breaststroke.

BUT he said I specifically can't do the breaststroke because the frog-leggish kick will aggravate my hip. So...I'm not sure where that leaves me. Attempting freestyle and gasping for air, I suppose. I'm also allowed to use the recumbent bike at the gym. Not a regular bike and not the elliptical. A recumbent bike, with all the grandmothers.

So after all that, I spent 45 minutes crying in the parking lot of the doctor's office, feeling sorry for myself. I have worked so hard, only to have an injury shut it all down. No Little Rock Marathon. I won't even be able to run the Bentonville Half Marathon at the end of March. After the first two weeks of rest, I knew that when I wasn't better at that point, that I wouldn't have time to train for Little Rock. I accepted that a while ago. But this whole time, I've believed I could run Bentonville. But I can't. I won't even have a recovery plan until 4 weeks before the race. Something that I thought would be a setback for a couple of weeks has turned into an injury that's ruining my entire spring season. When (if?) I'm able to run again, I'll be completely starting over. Learning to run 1 mile at a time. 13.1 is going to seem outrageous by March.

I realize that in comparison to basically anything else, this isn't an actual problem. My gait has pretty much returned to normal. The pain has gone away enough that I can sleep through the night. I'm not on crutches or in a cast. I just can't run. For normal people, this doesn't matter. When I've been sad, most responses have been, "That sucks. Oh, well. Just go to the pool or go for a walk and you can do those races next year."

But it's about more than just these races.

It's what I've worked for. It's about watching celebration over running 6 miles for the first time, 10 miles, 20 miles, fly right out the window. It's about facing how hard it will be to start at 0. AGAIN. Yes, folks, I'm mourning my fitness. I know, I know, it's ridiculous. People have actual illnesses that prevent them from living normal lives, and I'm whining because I can do a million things, but I can't run. But I LOVE to run.

So tomorrow, I will deal with it. Tomorrow, I will go to the pool, try not to drown, and I will figure out a new plan to stay active and get me to March 1. But today? Today I'm just really sad.